Have you ever felt like family — the people who are supposed to nurture and support you — instead leave you drained, diminished, or even lost? If you do transformational work with clients, this may be something you see often in others. But it might also be something you live with yourself.

There’s a harsh but useful way to see what happens in narcissistic or dysfunctional family systems: these systems often unconsciously cannibalize the members. Not literally, of course, but emotionally and psychologically. The system survives, often by compressing the needs, identity, and voice of certain people for its own unstable balance.

The Alligator Metaphor: Survival in Disguise

A client recently sent me a reel: a man handling an alligator. He says it might look like the alligator “loves” him, because he can get his face very close. But what really keeps him safe is his skill at looking non-threatening to that alligator—so the alligator doesn’t bite.

That metaphor isn’t far off when we talk about family systems:

• We learn to appear “safe” so we won’t trigger hurt, wrath, rejection, or abandonment.

• We play certain roles (peacemaker, fixer, scapegoat, pleaser) to keep the peace, to avoid being “bitten.”

• Over time, that safety performance drains you. Your voice shrinks. Your identity blurs.

As coaches or healers, we may be especially attuned to this, because sensitivity and relational awareness are skills we cultivate. But that also means we may have gotten really good at “appearing safe” — and kept parts of ourselves in hiding.

Recognizing the Signs: When You’re Handling the Family Alligator

Here are some ways this might show up in you or in those you guide:

• You visit family and almost automatically slip back into childhood roles (fixer, peacemaker, scapegoat), even though you’ve done inner work.
  

• You censor your voice or truth around certain family members, because you fear the reaction.
  

• You anticipate judgment, conflict, or abandonment, so you restrain your full self.
  

• You notice shame, low self-esteem, or anxiety underneath your surface calm.
  

You catch yourself sounding or acting like your parents, despite not wanting to replicate those patterns.

What to Do: Reclaim Your Self Without Waging War

This isn’t about blaming your family. It’s about reclaiming what’s been lost and choosing what you want your life and your work to be.

1. See it clearly. Become aware of when you're performing safety. Notice the cost — what parts of you are invisible or silenced.
   

2. Validate the fear. Fear of “getting bitten” may have kept you alive. Acknowledge it, feel it. But also ask: am I letting it decide my next move?
   

3. Do small experiments. Speak something you would normally hide. Set a subtle boundary. Notice what happens. Sometimes the reaction you fear doesn’t come — and you learn you have more space than you thought.
   

4. Choose who you want to be. Not the fixer, not the scapegoat, not the peacemaker by default — but the authentic you. Let that shape your daily choices, your communication, your relationships.
   

5. Build inner safety. Because part of healing is knowing you are safe—even when the external world or family system is rough. Use journaling, body awareness, spiritual practice, or whatever helps you feel at home in your own skin.
   

Learn about family systems theory (especially concepts like differentiation of self, emotional cut-off, triangles, etc.). These tools give language and framework for what you’re already sensing. It helps with clarity.

Why This Matters in Your Work

Because your healing and clarity aren’t just for you — they ripple out into your coaching, healing practice, your relationships, and the people you lead. When you reclaim your authenticity:

• You show up more fully, more grounded. Clients benefit from your presence rather than your performance.
  

• You protect yourself from burnout. Constantly being “safe” takes energy; being real saves energy in the long run.
  

You model a different way — a new path for people in your lineage or circle to see what is possible.

Final Word + Invitation

You don’t have to spend your life walking on eggshells, avoiding the family alligator. You can begin today to soften your fear, strengthen your self, and live more from who you truly are. Transformation work isn’t just about helping others—it’s about helping yourself step out from the shadows of your past and into a life of more freedom, sanity, and authentic love.

If you’re ready for a deeper shift, I’d love to invite you to join Inner Child Revolution — my program designed specifically for coaches, healers, and transformation professionals who know there's more inside them waiting to emerge.

In Inner Child Revolution, you’ll learn how to:

• Identify the roles, fears, and patterns you’ve been playing to stay “safe.”
  

• Reconnect with your inner child in a way that honors both your vulnerability and your power.
  

• Build emotional safety within yourself so the external “alligators” lose their grip.
  

• Lead from authenticity — not survival mode.
  

If this speaks to you, go ahead and click here to learn more. Let’s revolt from old patterns together—not by fighting, but by becoming more of who you really are.

Click HERE to join now.